7 January 2019
When I look back on my life a year ago, I feel as if I am looking through a scope into someone else’s life. I feel almost as though I am intruding- as if I shouldn’t disturb that girl and tell her what exactly comes next; the good and the bad.
Maybe I only speak for myself when I say this, but maybe that is all that we do in life: look back on our past selves and say, “Oh what a dumbass!” or “Yeah well enjoy it while you can” or “SERIOUSLY?!” We look back with what we know now and pretend as though those people aren’t us.
Maybe that is all that we can really do. Reminisce on times when we were innocent, unknowing, naive, as if we won’t be doing the same exact thing to the person we are in this moment in however many years it takes us to recognize our shortcomings, and overcomings.
The new year is always a sublime time for me. I am completely and utterly one of those people who sees the new year as a fresh start because why the fuck not? If you have the chance to start “over again,” why not take it, no matter how well you feel in the position you are in now?
That being said, this new year felt like an especially special one for me. I spent it with friends who now live 1000 miles away from me, in stark contrast to last years celebrations, which consisted of flipping through pages of Call Me By Your Name all alone in my blue room in my old red house.
In 20 days, I finish my 18th year. 17 was the age of all ages for me, which I looked forward to for so long, and hope I will be able to find it in me to not obsess over my departure from being a dancing queen, young and sweet, only 17. This goes for many things- I hope I will be able to be rich in loss, and understand that things I love can, must, and will go.
In less than 5 months I will graduate high school. Phew. I hope I will be able to remember how many times I really thought I would not make it.
In just about 7 and a half months I will begin school on the other side of the world where I got accepted into kind of my dream program at kind of my dream school last month. I hope I will remember the kind of power I have and the kind of things I am capable of achieving when I feel down.
In the past few weeks I have seen and hugged and spoken to some of the people that currently mean the most to me in this world, from English teachers, to best friends I want to be teachers with, to my first boss, to my middle school guidance counselor, to some who shall not be named. I realize that each time I leave these people I miss them more and more. And the place that feels the most like home, more and more. And more.
In this new year, I would like to get to the point a little more concisely, along with doing a bunch of other things I have listed under “New Years Rulins 2019” in this journal. But I think the rambling makes me Jenna.
I leave myself, and all the other people reading this, a few of which will definitely be various versions of future me (hey! Call Mama), with this:
“If you want the rewards of being loved, you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”
In 2018 I learned that love isn’t everything, but it sure as hell is most things.
Cheers to the new year, to dancing, to holding hands, to speaking loudly, to laughing louder, to smiling with teeth, to learning, to losing, and to going places.
With love, Jenna